Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
