Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
