Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
