I would go down on you faster than GM stock
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
