i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
