ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
