why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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