If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
