I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
