Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
