his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
