my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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