if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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