another moral hangover. fuck.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
