According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
