I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
