So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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