you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
