Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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