I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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