At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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