So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I am one with the molecules
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
