At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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