Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
birth control should be required to get into college
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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