Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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