the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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