One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
