omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
