dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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