just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
