So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
