My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
