im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
