Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
