happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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