What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
