from now on my penis is your penis
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
