Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
