How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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