Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
