Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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