Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
