I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
