Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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