Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize