oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
