I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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