why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
