Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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