i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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