I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
