The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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