I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize