I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
