i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
