If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
