dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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