He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
