Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
