Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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